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Support Humor
If cars were like computers...
At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General
Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the
gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating:
"If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would
all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have
to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you
would have to reinstall the engine.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive — but
would run on only five percent of the roads.
- The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
- The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
- Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.
- You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Medieval
Help Desk
Star Wars
Help Desk
Cybermen
Call Centre
Indian
Call Centre
Burger King
Outsourcers
(via Ivy Meadors)
Calls
From Hell
The Phone Phunnies: www.phonephunnies.com
Funny2.com: www.funny2.com/computer.htm
Support Excuse Generator
When you're really desperate for an answer, try this:
http://www.strauss.za.com/sla/support.html
How to interpret the new help-wanted lingo:
"Join our fast-paced company": We have no time to train you.
"Casual work atmosphere": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll
dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"Must be deadline oriented": You'll be six months behind schedule on
your first day.
"Some overtime required": Some time each night and some time each
weekend.
"Duties will vary": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an eye for detail": We have no quality control.
"Career-minded": Female Applicants must be childless (and remain
that way).
"No phone calls please": We've filled the job; our call for resumes
is just a legal formality.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience": You'll need
it to replace three people who just left.
"Problem-solving skills a must": You're walking into a company in
perpetual chaos.
"Requires team leadership skills": You'll have the responsibilities
of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"Good communication skills": Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do it.
The Tranquil Support Rep's Five Rules for Mental Equilibrium:
1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
the statue.
2. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape
key.
3. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
4. Going nowhere is fine as long as the path is interesting.
5. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
A piece of advice often called the "CRM Implementation Rule":
"Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete
than expected.
"Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than
expected, mostly because the planner expect that planning will
reduce the time the project will take."
Recommended wording for a Truth in Advertising message for cranky
support reps:
"I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either."
A few error messages we keep expecting to see:
--Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
--Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
--Error saving file. Format drive now? (Y/Y)
--File not found. Should I fake it?
--Runtime error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent user.
--User error: Replace user.
--Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The
police are on their way.
ADVANCED EMOTICONS
#:-) Person with matted hair or a toupee
:-(*) About to upchuck
#-) Partied too late
8-) Smiley with glasses or a Bill Gates smiley
;-)} Corporate type
[:-) Wearing a Walkman
* :-) Brainiac
:-" Chain smoker
--The Ultimate Chat Dictionary
ABORT_RETRY_IGNORE
(with apologies to Edgar Allen Poe)
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key -
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
I tried to catch the chips off-guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light -
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
"Oh no - my database," I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore."
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But, as for productivity, well
I fear that it goes straight to hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell.
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
--author unknown
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a
couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport.
There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his
instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after
an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall
building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling,
the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Where am I?"
The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The
pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect
blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as
the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The
stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
"Easy," replies the pilot. "I asked the guy in that building a
simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but
absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support
office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a
course of 87 degrees."
Here are 16 actual error messages seen on the computer screens
in Japan, where they are written in haiku form:
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Support Hot Line:
If you are obsessive-compulsive ... please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent ... please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities ... please press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional ... we already know who you are. Just
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic ... listen carefully, a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive ... it doesn't matter which number you
press, because no one will ever answer.
Our favorite Microsoft support story
A Microsoft support rep was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the
rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He
fired several shots at the target, but the range master announced
that the target was untouched.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at
the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger
over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his
other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the
target area: "It's working just fine here; the trouble must be at
your end!"
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