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Support Humor

If cars were like computers...

At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive — but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
  7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Medieval Help Desk

Star Wars Help Desk

Cybermen Call Centre

Indian Call Centre

Burger King Outsourcers

(via Ivy Meadors)

Calls From Hell

The Phone Phunnies:

Support Excuse Generator

When you're really desperate for an answer, try this:

How to interpret the new help-wanted lingo:

"Join our fast-paced company": We have no time to train you.
"Casual work atmosphere": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"Must be deadline oriented": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some overtime required": Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"Duties will vary": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an eye for detail": We have no quality control.
"Career-minded": Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"No phone calls please": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience": You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"Problem-solving skills a must": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"Requires team leadership skills": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"Good communication skills": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

The Tranquil Support Rep's Five Rules for Mental Equilibrium:

1.  Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

2.  On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

3.  Indecision is the key to flexibility.

4.  Going nowhere is fine as long as the path is interesting.

5.  Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

A piece of advice often called the "CRM Implementation Rule":

"Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.

"Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planner expect that planning will reduce the time the project will take."

Recommended wording for a Truth in Advertising message for cranky support reps:

"I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either."

A few error messages we keep expecting to see:

--Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
--Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
--Error saving file. Format drive now? (Y/Y)
--File not found. Should I fake it?
--Runtime error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent user.
--User error: Replace user.
--Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The
   police are on their way.


#:-)   Person with matted hair or a toupee

:-(*)   About to upchuck

#-)    Partied too late

8-)    Smiley with glasses or a Bill Gates smiley

;-)}    Corporate type

[:-)    Wearing a Walkman

* :-)   Brainiac

:-"     Chain smoker

                          --The Ultimate Chat Dictionary

(with apologies to Edgar Allen Poe)

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key -
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

I tried to catch the chips off-guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light -
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
"Oh no - my database," I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore."

To this day I do not know

The place to which lost data goes.
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But, as for productivity, well
I fear that it goes straight to hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell.
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

                          --author unknown

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Where am I?" The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Easy," replies the pilot. "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

Here are 16 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan, where they are written in haiku form:

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Support Hot Line:

If you are obsessive-compulsive ... please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent ... please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities ... please press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional ... we already know who you are. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are schizophrenic ... listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive ... it doesn't matter which number you press, because no one will ever answer.

Our favorite Microsoft support story

A Microsoft support rep was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target, but the range master announced that the target was untouched.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's working just fine here; the trouble must be at your end!"

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